


Good things do happen Dean, not in my experience

by Charlie_Ross_Winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, Pining Dean, Post13x01, Self-Harm, castiel is death, post episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-10-26
Packaged: 2019-01-23 15:56:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12510948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Charlie_Ross_Winchester/pseuds/Charlie_Ross_Winchester
Summary: And Dean could scream, cry and pray but where’s the sense of all this if the only person listening to his prayers now is gone?





	Good things do happen Dean, not in my experience

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, sooo  
> this is my first time on this site, I'm an Italian girl and I don't have a beta of course, so probably this is full of mistakes, but I wanted to try.  
> Kudos <3

 

Dean regretted what he did in the same time he took a step in that house. Seeing his body there, on that table, was his official breakpoint. Despite everything, his face was in peace, Cas didn’t breathe but after all he never did, angles don’t breath. His eyes didn’t shine anymore, that brilliant blue that had always made clear the difference between Castiel and his vessel.

Dean Winchester always thought good things can’t happen, or at least they never last, but a certain angel nine years ago put this strange hope in his mind that maybe miracles can happen. Obviously he was wrong. Good things don’t happen. Al least not for Dean.

Dean could say a lot of things, all those things he never said to Cas, their stolen glances, those feelings they never shared to each other, but the only thing Dean can think right now is “I lost him, this time for good”.

“Dean…” he knows Sam and Jack are staring at him, obviously he doesn’t care. He simply decided to ignore the Nephilim at the moment, there are a lot of things to think about right now. Most of all in his head.

Sam is still looking at him, the sun is anywhere in the sky to be seen, all is dark and Dean can see only thanks to the flames that keep burning the branches. It’s cold, there is only a little patch of moonlight and Dean totally doesn’t understand why the moon keep shining if everything inside him is dark. It doesn’t seem right.

“Dean…”

“Just a moment Sammy, please”

Sam nods, he does a small gesture toward Jack and Jack frowns and tilts his head. He doesn’t understand the gesture of the little Winchester. Dean wants to puck. Is he gonna spend the rest of his life finding Cas in every little day-to-day action? Dean turns his head, watching again the bonfire. Sam is dragging Jack in the Impala.

“Cas, I…”

“I told you… I told you good things don’t happen”

Dean closes his eyes, he’s remembering their first meeting. The huge wings that surprised and at the same time terrified him, like anything had done during his endless hunting life. Long, black, powerful. They were all the power of Paradise, pure and innocent, before Dean could corrupt Cas and bring him down, towards him.

“I promise Cas… I’ll never forget you”

 

***

Dean lost the track of time and when he opens his eyes he’s in the bunker, on his bed with his shoes and all his clothes, full of blood, soot and God knows what. It’s dark, too dark and Dean can’t even watch his own hands. The only patch of light comes from under the little door. There is a quite noise in the hallway and Dean knows that it comes from the library.

He doesn’t want to get out, is not like he has a porpoise but Dean can’t keep staying in the dark, alone, when the only thing with him is his broken head. Dean turns on the little lamp on the nightstand and his eyes put more that they should to get use to the yellow light that begins to spread in the room. When Dean meets his eyes in the mirror he cant even recognize himself. His face is swollen and there are many cuts on the skin. He should feel pain but his broken heart covers everything. Dean splashes some waters on his skin and changes his clothes. The pain he feels when he looks at his reflection has nothing to do with what he has felt so far.

The handprint, _that handprint_ , is there like it doesn’t mean nothing. It’s weird and even pathetic but Dean can swear that since Cas has saved him from hell, in any circumstances he _knew_ where Cas grace was. He didn’t need of his immediate proximity to know that Cas was somewhere in the universe, safe and sound, doing whatever stupid angelic job in order to save the world. Dean only needed that, touching the light burn on his arm and feel Cas, just _feel_ him. Many times this simple gesture was the only thing keeping Dean’s mind straight, because Cas was somewhere, Cas was alive.

Weeks without him, unanswered phone calls and prayers but at least Cas was alive in some strange universe, even if he wasn’t with him. Many times Dean wondered if their souls were connected somehow, if was possible when Cas touched his soul in Hell to save him that something was happened. It’s the only way to explain the profound bond Cas usually talked about.

Now the only thing Dean feels when his trembling fingers touch Cas’ handprint is _void._ A cold sensation spread in his body, right into the bones and his muscles. Dean feels that a part of him is dead, his soul is mauled, _the righteous man broken in the end._ Even heel couldn’t break him.

Dean want to scratch it away, rip it from his skin, eliminate for good everything related to Cas but this is wrong and selfish. Cas doesn’t deserve it, he deserve to be remembered forever and Dean deserve everything. He deserve his heart burning in his body, he deserve all the fallen tears, the pain that never will leave him alone and Cas deserve Dean’s pain, after everything he’s done for him, after every time Cas put Dean above all, Heaven, his brother and even himself, so many times that Dean can’t even count them.

Dean opens the door as quietly as he could, he doesn’t want to meet his brother, he doesn’t want to speak or look him in the eyes. He doesn’t need his pity, he doesn’t need the pity of anyone.

 

“I don’t understand, Dean was his… boyfriend?” the last word slip from his mouth like it was fake, empty and without meaning. He says it with a strange accent, the memory of hearing it only one time, accidentally, in same sort of conversation before his birth.

Sam is staring him with a broken look, watery eyes that don’t spill even a single drop.

“No, he was more. Dean…” he’s trying to figure out how to explain the bond between his brother and his best friend but there are no words to describe it. “Dean was his everything”.

Going out from his room was a huge mistake. The only thing Dean wants right now is disappear and never reopen his eyes.

It’s just it doesn’t seems real, everything is happened in seconds and now death take away every single piace of Dean’s life. That shouldn’t be possible, even in a Winchester’s life, cause is too much. It’s too much even for Dean that is used suffering and see slip away from his fingers every drop of good since he was four.

And it’s really stupid suffer so much because at this point you should know that life is a bitch and at least suffer less. Doesn’t habit muffle the pain?

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice a mail”_

“Hey Cas, I don’t know exactly why I’m doing this…” Dean closes his eyes for a bit, he’s trying to find the right words, “I don’t know exactly what to say. Well, I just want you to say thank you, I guess. I haven’t had time to tell you and sorry, just sorr-“

A big _beap_ ends the call and Dean starts to feel so stupid, so pathetic.

And well, this things with Dean only came with alcohol, probably because it’s the only friend that’ll never abandon him.

So Dean drinks, drinks and drinks, till the ice in his body leaves him alone and his mouth is full of bile. It’s useless and stupid like Dean in this moment and he just smile because at least now he’s feeling something. Is revulsion for himself a feeling, right?

 

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice a mail”_

“Well, this seems to me the right moment to tell you. At the end you’re dead and it doesn’t matter anymore. I love you and I don’t love you like a brother Cas, or like a friend. That were all bullshit. I love you and that’s all and I was a stupid son of a bitch not to tell you, Cas. I’m sorry, really Cas, sorry. I didn’t deserve you, I never did but doesn’t matter know so I can tell you. Yes, I can tell you”.

This time Dean doesn’t want to keep anything, all was gone with Cas. That horrible trench coat, that stupid tax collector tie, everything. The last time Dean brought his trench with him in Baby’s trunk, around America, because Cas always find a way to come back. But he’s never die like this.

 

The first time Dean saw Cas die with his eyes was when Lucifer snapped his fingers. They know each other from what, one year? The situation was so complicated that Dean didn’t have even the time to realize what was just happened and Cas was already there, besides him, where Cas should be. Cas was there again new and improved, fixing the messes they created together, as usual.

 

Then there was Cas with is absurd pretense to being God and trying to do everything his alleged father never had the balls to do. Obviously all get screwed up, like always in their miserable lives. Cas opened the Purgatory, the Leviathans destroyed Cas and he disappeared under the water of a lake God knows where. That was probably the longest time Dean believed Cas was gone, death not exactly death after all.

Dean didn’t even wash the dirty trench coat cause then it wouldn’t been the same thing.  He took and bent it because betrayal or not, Cas will come back. Dean can feel it, every time he touched his arm. Cas was gone for so long and Dean almost gave up but finally Cas came back to him, even if that time was Cas finding Dean. He was married, with no memories and a weird and horrible name. Gradually they meet each other, after the betrayal and all the water under the bridge Cas was back in Dean’s family, little and broken but still family.

One of the longest separation between Cas and Dean was the year in purgatory. Year full of research, prayers and tortures. Year pretty useless, throw in Dean face when Cas decided to stay. Even that time he came back, with the angels in his head and the absurd want to be an hunter.

Then there was April, Cas on that chair, human and _alone_. Even that death didn’t last long, Dean had just the time to grab his face in his hands before Cas opened his eyes again, with an odd expression, one of those that always make Dean laugh even if at the time he was too afraid to admit that to himself.

The last one was Lucifer, even if maybe that death doesn’t count. Cas was not died, he was only possessed but Dean never wanted to punch him like in that moment.

At least until now.

Because now is different, Cas is really dead. Dean knows this time. There were Cas’ wings on the ground and it never happened and Dean knows that Cas want to come back to his family, to him, but this time won’t happen. God doesn’t give a shit of them poor bastards on the earth, technically the world isn’t in any direction to a new Apocalypse. Lucifer is trapped who knows where and Jack doesn’t even know how to tie his shoes. Cas had faith in him but at the end of the day Cas had faith even in Dean and that didn’t work out good.

This is also Cas’ fault. Dean told him he didn’t deserve to be saved, he told it with the eyes and the angel understood. It was one of his mission here on the earth, make Dean feel the righteous man. Dean never understand what Cas saw in him, he said Dean had bright soul, the brightest he ever seen in millions of years. Dean never believed him but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that Cas believed it, everything seemed more real in this way.

 

**_“When you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam, everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me”._ **

****

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice a mail”._

“You are a stupid son of a bitch, you know that? You promised me… you promised you’d have stayed, no matter what. Everyone will leave me, everyone except you, but you left”.

Dean doesn’t know exactly what time it’s now, how much alcohol he drank. The noise in the hallway is stopped. Sam is probably sleeping. Even Dean closes his eyes for a bit. It takes time to fall asleep even if Dean never really sleep, it’s hard he can. He closes his eyes but his mind never leaves him alone. He fall in a kind of dullness where all is empty, dark, almost muffled, full of vague and confused memories. Dean want to scream and shout till his throat burn and the air in his lungs ends, but nothing come out of his mouth, nor even a hiss and this is only frustrating.

**_“Really man, you have problems” Dean gets a chip in his mouth, trying to avoid to split it out. Cas with that expression on his face is hilarious._ **

**_“I don’t understand, Dean” and Dean spit the chip out this time. He’s got a big smile on his lips, full of teeth and bright eyes. Cas is smiling too, just because of this. There’s nothing attractive about Dean’s mouth right know, full of pieces of food but Cas is charmed._ **

**_“You don’t call this “music”, Cas” the angel frowns, trying to understand Dean but he cant._ **

**_“You told me that this is called music, were you lying to me?” Cas squeeze his eyes, trying to be threatening. Often Dean forget Cas is a friggin’ angel of the Lord, he could smite him with a finger, but Cas is Cas and Dean knows him enough to smile in front of that look._ **

**_“Yep, but this isn’t only music. This is… this is story. Led Zeppelin man, not some normal song on the air. You just can’t call it music” Dean says the last word pretending to be Cas, with a rough and deep voice. Dean stares Cas dead serious but suddenly starts giggling._ **

**_“You know what Cas, I’ll take care of you”._ **

****

**_That night Dean, in his room, mostly didn’t touch his bed, too busy choosing the perfect songs, the perfect words, those who can make Cas understand that the Led Zeppelin are not just music and maybe something else, something he’s too coward to say out load._ **

****

When he wake up things are not better. His headache is going stronger and Dean can’t understand if is the alcohol running in his veins that make all feels blurry, vague, inaccurate, or there are just too tears in his eyes to make he understands what’s happening in his head.  

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice a mail”_

“Cas, it’s still me. It’s Dean. You have to come back, man. I don’t know if I can do it without you. I don’t know if this time I can make it through. I still need you Cas, please. Come back to me”.

 

**_“No Cas, not like this”_ **

**_“It’s harder than I expected. Leading the garrison in hell was far less complicated”_ **

**_“You have just to pull it slowly, it’s not that complicated!”_ **

**_The Impala snaps forward and then she turns off completely. Dean snorts, he turn his head to Cas to scold him but Cas’ forehead is on the wheel. He’s staring the pedals concentrated, like he’s compelling them to move forward._ **

**_The car spring forward again, running for a couple of yards. Cas is still in the same position._ **

**_“Hey, you’re cheating. That’s not drive, man” Dean grabs the keys and the impala suddenly stops. Dean’s head snaps ahead._ **

**_“She’s running at least”_ **

**_“You’re really saying the powerful angel of the Lord that grabs my beautiful ass out of perdition can’t drive my baby?”_ **

**_“It’s complicated..”_ **

**_“Bullshit”_ **

**_“Dean” Cas warns him, his voice deep in Dean’s skin. It goes through his bones and send a cold shiver along his spine. Dean shakes his head to avoid inappropriate thoughts in his head._ **

 

Dean can’t even feel the pain on his knuckles when he first punch the wall, the blood is staining the paint. It’s a clear warning in his head but he can’t feel anything. He can’t feel his skin rips up against the wall of his room or the voice of his brother calling him behind the door. It’s a chant of _Dean, Dean_ but Dean is not listening. His ears are full of his sobs, his eyes full of water that can’t come down.

_“This is my voice mail. Make your voice a mail”_

“You told me good things do happen Cas, you were right. You were my good thing”.

 

**_“Come on. Again._ ** **_No birdie tricks this time” Dean warns him, pointing a threatening finger to Cas face but Dean has still that stupid smile on his face and Cas sighs then grabs the wheel with the left hand and the kays with the other._ **

**_“I turn on the engine with the keys in the ignition lock” Dean rolls his eyes, who the hell still says “ignition lock”_ **

**_“I pull the clutch at the same time and then I push slowly the accelerator, letting go the clutch bit by bit” Cas keep talking, monotone voice. The car turns on and runs for a couple of yards without problems._ **

**_“Dean, she’s running._ ** **_Dean, look! I’m driving” and Cas is so genuinely excited and happy that Dean smiles affectionately._ **

**_“Yes Cas, you’re driving”_ **

****

And Dean could scream, cry and pray but where’s the sense of all this if the only person listening to his prayers now is gone?

 

 

.

.

.

**_G_ ** _ood things do happen Dean_

_Not in my experience._

_._

_._

_._


End file.
